#20. Raising a daughter named Amaya Rose
My daughter just came in my room and told me off
She said - you DO know Moses and were in here when we brought you your tea Right!!?
WeLL, guess what?
We smelled your smoking. MOM
Right after you just pinky promised.
You said that you would stop smoking!!
I said Amaya I’m trying
Sometimes the pinkies in our pinky promise may disconnect.
I’ll spend my whole life trying to reconnect them
That is not how it goes.
It goes like, every time YOU smoke, You put a knife through my heart.
Oh no Amaya dear,
It is my own heart I stab.
NO ITS not - it’s Grannas!
Yes - Every single time, because YOU know, that she would not want you to do that,
If she were here...
But, guess what?
I’m here AND I’m telling you just like she would.
Because you could hurt yourself,
WE would not want you to do anything that could hurt yourself.
BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU!
**- this is the point, when she pivots, faces me directly, bats her eyelashes closed, looks down, then back up - She is trying to give me the eye to eye, but she’s short, so she looks up, puts up 2 fingers, points them at her eyes, then directly pointing them into my eyes, she rolls her eyes-**
... She stomps away...
At the end of our dark hallway..
I hear her room door close.
2 minutes has passed,
yet I still stand there holding my door open, looking into the empty hallway.
I Close my door. Locking it this time.
I roll back.
I just got caught smoking by my 8 year old.
Got schooled, taken to the cleaners.
I went back into my bathroom, reopened my back bathroom door.
I take a deep breath of the cool night air.
I resume smoking, despite how unhealthy this was for me.
I surely needed to finish, the need to decompress, even greater now.
I finish, wash up, brush my teeth.
Change my clothes.
I touch the bottom of her feet, shes in bed.
Up, at her shoulders, I gave my daughter a hug,
Thank you Amaya, thank you for Loving me.
I love you too. I am working on quitting.
Please do not give up on me...?
Mom, I will never give up on you.
Hopping away, someone grabbed my cast, my left foot.
Moses, the 10 year old, a ball of blankets, rolled up on his sisters floor.
He's Snickering and laughing,
I tickle him.
Amaya Rose, her voice sharp, pierces, like the fees attached to speeding tickets.
Oh Mom, By the way...
I finished letting you know...
What’s Up You Know?
Well, as soon as I got back into my room,
Moses said You go Amaya!
Well guess what?
You two better SLEEP,
I say - Whispering...is done quietly! They snicker and laugh one more time..
Sweet dreams, I love you both.
What would you do?
The Rose Yarde
17709 Chatsworth Street
Granada Hills, CA 91344